J, My Name is Jaylynn
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: A funeral for one of the boys' old friends causes Jaylynn to develop a fear of dying early. Meanwhile, Sparky, Buster, and RK try to figure out who gets to keep their late friend's car.
1. J, My Name is Jaylynn Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 15

Airdate: February 18, 2018

"'J,' My Name is Jaylynn"

Special Guest Stars: Sabrina Carpenter as Sarah Bennett, Kira Kosarin as Lynne

 _#TYH615_

SCENE 1

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

 _One day, the kids, with Sparky noticeably absent, are having a discussion with ice cream wrappers scattered all over the table._

BUSTER: I'm just saying, pound for pound, _Rugrats_ was better.

RK: Pound for pound? Dude, they're not boxers.

BUSTER: Well, if they were, _Rugrats_ would knock _SpongeBob_ out cold.

RK: Oh, please. _SpongeBob_ has classics to this day. _Rugrats_ thinks about _SpongeBob_ at night.

BUSTER: _Rugrats_ was the originator. It put Nickelodeon on the map.

RK: Yeah, and _SpongeBob_ helps keep Nickelodeon's lights on.

WADE: I don't think it matters which show is better. _Hey Arnold!_ stomps them both out.

 _Beat._

RK: Why did you have to go there, man?

BUSTER: Yeah, what are we supposed to do? Disagree?

JAYLYNN: It's true, though.

 _Sparky walks into the restaurant and arrives at the table. He_ _takes a seat and sighs._

JAYLYNN: Sparky, what's wrong? You look sick.

SPARKY: I just found out my friend Brian died.

BUSTER: Wait, _our_ Brian?

RK: Second grade Brian?

SPARKY: Yeah, him. I called his mother and it turns out he was killed in a hit-and-run, but the cops haven't found out who did it. They think it was somebody that just wanted to kill a random person and lost their cool.

BUSTER: This is horrible. Brian was one of the coolest people we knew.

RK: Wait, how did you get in touch with Brian's mother? We haven't spoken to him in years.

SPARKY: I got a letter inviting me to his funeral and I called the number from there. His mom said you guys got invited too.

RK: Damn.

WADE: Wait, who was Brian?

RK: In the second grade, we had a friend named Brian. We hung out all the time and he was really fun when he was on his meds.

JAYLYNN: His meds?

RK: Yeah, he had ADHD. He kinda went psycho when he wasn't on his meds. One time, he tried to stab me with a pencil.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, that just sounds like kid stuff to me.

RK: He said he wanted to put a hole in my throat.

JAYLYNN: Well, maybe you pissed him off. You do that sometimes.

 _RK gives Jaylynn an annoyed look._

BUSTER: I can't believe he's gone. I mean, we had some bad times, but he was still our buddy.

SPARKY: I kinda don't wanna go to the funeral.

WADE: What? That's your friend, you have to go.

SPARKY: It'll just feel eerie. I don't know if I can see that body in a casket.

RK: As someone that had to see my uncle's body in a casket, it's just something you have to do. You owe it to Brian to be there at the funeral.

SPARKY: So if you get an invitation, are you going?

RK: Hell no, that kid tried to kill me. He had a mental breakdown on the last day of school, I'm not getting involved in that shit.

 _Sparky sighs in disappointment._

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, the kids are all eating together._

BUSTER: You know, I always wondered where chocolate milk came from.

WADE: Just so you know, it doesn't come from a brown cow.

BUSTER: I stopped thinking that when I was seven, thank you.

RK: Hey Buster, did you get an invitation to Brian's funeral?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, I did. I gotta say, I'm kinda scared.

JAYLYNN: Why? You're not the one in the casket.

 _Everyone gives Jaylynn a disgusted look._

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, I was….going for dark humor, it didn't, um….didn't land….. _*clears throat*_ …..Buster, continue.

BUSTER: I'm scared because I was Brian's friend. We were tight. What if they ask me to give the eulogy? I'll be unprepared.

WADE: They'll tell you that before the funeral, man.

BUSTER: But how soon, Wade? I need to have time to create.

SPARKY: They'll most likely have one of his brothers give the eulogy.

BUSTER: Oh, great. I don't know if I'll be able to say anything other than "Brian was a blessing, glory to God."

JAYLYNN: So, RK, are you still going to spit on your friend's memory by not showing up to the wake?

RK: I hate how you try to guilt trip me in your sentences like that means something. And Brian doesn't want me there. He said so himself.

SPARKY: When did he say that?

RK: I remember exactly what happened. I was in the bathroom eating a bucket of fried chicken, and then Brian broke the door down like Bruce Lee…..wait, that was a dream.

SPARKY: RK, at the end of the day, Brian's mother invited all three of us. Whatever happened when he was alive doesn't matter. We should go to get some closure.

RK: I guess. But I'm going to make sure I draw as little attention to myself as possible.

JAYLYNN: That will happen the same day Kendrick wins the Grammy for Album of the Year.

 _RK shakes her fist at Jaylynn while growling, making her put her hands up._

SCENE 3

 _The kids are all in Sparky's car on the way to the funeral. Buster is the passenger while RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are in the back seat._

RK: Sparky, Jaylynn keeps kicking me.

JAYLYNN: Wade's between us, how is that possible?

RK: I just wanted to sound like I was Sparky's son.

SPARKY: I don't know what I did to have you, RK.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. Wade and Jaylynn are here?!

SPARKY: Yes. We picked them up twenty minutes ago.

BUSTER: But you guys didn't get invited.

SPARKY: Wade is RK's guest and Jaylynn is mine.

BUSTER: I didn't get to bring a guest.

SPARKY: You said you didn't want to bring anyone!

BUSTER: Oh yeah. Sparky, I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm easily distracted.

SPARKY: Buster, the first step is admitting the problem.

SCENE 4

Columbia Funeral Home

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids walk into the home and are immediately greeted by Brian's mother._

BRIAN'S MOM: Oh my God, you guys came!

 _Brian's mother cries as she hugs Sparky, Buster, and RK._

SPARKY: We're glad to be here, Mrs. Morgan.

BRIAN'S MOM: Who are these two? Were you friends of Brian?

WADE: No, we're just guests here. But I'm really sorry for your loss.

BRIAN'S MOM: Thank you. It just hurts so much. He was so young, I just don't understand why someone would want to kill him.

JAYLYNN: I mean, the good news is he's no longer in pain. Whatever baggage he had could be left behind here.

 _Everyone gives Jaylynn another annoyed look._

JAYLYNN: Wow, even when I try to be positive, I can't hit the mark.

SCENE 5

Columbia Funeral Home

Seattle, Washington

 _The boys take a look inside Brian's casket to see his now-pale body._

SPARKY: I don't know if I can stay for the reception.

BUSTER: Yeah, me neither. This just isn't fair. All Brian wanted to do was be a football player. Now he's gone.

SPARKY: I thought he wanted to be a rocket scientist.

RK: He told me he wanted to be a train conductor.

BUSTER: I guess he had many interests.

 _At that point, Brian's father walks up to the boys._

BRIAN'S DAD: Hello, boys.

SPARKY: Mr. Morgan. Long time, no see.

BRIAN'S DAD: It's really great to have you guys here. Brian always talked about how much he missed you.

RK: Even me? Because, you know, we had beef here and there, so I don't know if he ever talked about wanting to fight me.

BRIAN'S DAD: No, it was all good on his end. In fact, there's one thing that I believe he would want you to have.

BUSTER: His sticker book?!

 _Sparky and RK give Buster bored looks._

BUSTER: Don't act like that's not one of his prized possessions.

BRIAN'S DAD: Well, no. I actually have the keys to his car here. I was going to have it converted to scrap metal, but you guys could take it. It will be a great memory of him.

SPARKY: His car? I don't know, it might be too soon and there's a lot of work invo...

RK: We would love to take Brian's car off your hands.

BUSTER: Yeah. There's probably all kinds of goodies in there. Just to be clear, we can keep the sticker book if we find it, right?

 _Sparky and RK look at Buster again. The scene then cuts to Wade and Jaylynn sitting near an elderly woman._

WADE: You know, I feel really bad for the guys. I don't know what it's like to have someone close to you die.

JAYLYNN: Well, if they're like me, they're probably thinking the world is over. When my mom died, I just remember wondering what I was going to do with my future. It's like a part of me was taken away forever.

GRANDMA MORGAN: Are you two talking about Brian?

JAYLYNN: Kinda. I was just telling Wade here that it's really hard when someone you love dies.

WADE: Yeah, but we're just guests here. We didn't actually know Brian.

GRANDMA MORGAN: Oh, that's a shame. You know, if there's one thing I always thought was true, it's that parents should never bury their children. I just can't believe God wanted Brian so soon.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Whoever killed him should be put in the chair. He was just a little kid, he had his...whole life ahead of him.

 _Jaylynn's eyes widen at that point._

GRANDMA MORGAN: Exactly. Everything he did from birth until now doesn't matter anymore. He wasn't allowed to become successful or make an impact on the world. Nothing. All his hopes and dreams were shattered once he got hit by that devil in the car. How could someone only live to see their ninth birthday?

WADE: It's really sad. Some people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

JAYLYNN: Could that...could that be me?

SCENE 6

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn tosses her mother's baseball up in the air while lying on the couch. At that point, Sarah walks in with her bags._

SARAH: Guess who's back?

JAYLYNN: Oh. Hey Sarah.

SARAH: Hey Sarah? I'm staying with you for the winter break, you haven't seen me in like, a year and a half and that's all I get?

JAYLYNN: Howdy doo, Sarah? Top of the morning, Sarah? What's up, SB looking mad fly with the blue jeans in the cut?

SARAH: I'm not even wearing blue jeans.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I used to talk like I was from the streets. But it's cool you're here all week.

SARAH: Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Some guy told me about this Chinese place right around here. I don't even eat Chinese, but you can't just ignore someone throwing good food in your face. Let's go.

JAYLYNN: I'm not in the mood to eat foreign meals. I've never even been to China before. And I'll probably never get to go.

SARAH: Okay, what the hell's going on here? I was pumped up at the airport and you're just sucking every ounce of energy I have in me.

JAYLYNN: Well, I was at a funeral today for one of the guys' friends, and I started thinking about what would happen if I ended up like that.

SARAH: What, dead? We all die, Jaylynn, you can't start thinking you're special.

JAYLYNN: No, I mean,dying young. That boy was only nine years old and some crazy lunatic ran him over like a dirty raccoon in the street. What if that ends up being me?

SARAH: Well, you know what to do next time. Look both ways and don't drive drunk. It's pretty simple, I don't know why you keep complicating it.

JAYLYNN: Alright, Sarah, honey, listen to me. That boy wasn't even my age and now he's dead. What if I'm dead before I have the chance to experience everything I ever wanted? I mean, I didn't even think I would still be here a couple years ago. Maybe some spirits are planning for me to go soon.

SARAH: Um...

JAYLYNN: No. No jokes now, you see my face? I'll kick your ass right here in my inner sanctum, don't play with me, kid.

SARAH: Okay, now you're talking like Portland Jaylynn. Look, dude, nothing's going to happen to you. You're going to do everything you wanted. Yeah, things haven't worked out so far, but God's not done with you yet. Just because some kid died, doesn't mean you're next in line.

JAYLYNN: Doesn't death come in threes?

SARAH: Okay, now I'm ready to kick _your_ ass. Jaylynn, it's not good to worry about something that happens to everyone. You just have to stay positive and live your life. You need to look in the mirror and say, "F*** life, I'm gonna do what I want."

JAYLYNN: I wish it was easier than that. But I have a lot of shit I want to do and I want to make sure I do it all fast. So when I die, everyone will talk at the funeral about how awesome I was. "Yeah, Jaylynn was a real chick. She was a go-getter, she did the things she needed to do. I wish I married her though. She was kinda hot."

 _Beat._

SARAH: How long have you been thinking about this?

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

 _All four boys are sitting around the table having a discussion._

SPARKY: You know, part of me wonders what really happens when you die.

WADE: As far as I know, it's anyone's guess. No one has the answers to it and anyone who does just gets looked at as insane.

BUSTER: I once read a story about this guy who got struck by lightning and woke up in Heaven. He actually saw André the Giant taking a bath with Frank Sinatra. That was one of the greatest near-death experiences I ever read.

WADE: Why would André the Giant be bathing with Frank Sinatra?

BUSTER: How would I know? He lied about the whole thing anyway.

WADE: But you just...you know what, forget it.

RK: Man, when I die, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I know exactly what I want. A funeral in a nice, warm climate like Miami or Hawaii. Two giant cannons that shoot out T-shirts with my face on them, giving everybody a thumbs up amidst a backdrop that implies I'm looking down on everyone. And at the end of the reception, I'm going to be on some Undertaker shit and one of my hands will rise up from the dirt. Then my ghost will stalk the streets for eternity, taking out everyone who tried to destroy my genius.

 _Beat._

BUSTER: Please put me in your will.

WADE: Hey, by the way, what are you guys going to do about Brian's car?

RK: Well, we already discussed that issue and we decided that I will be the proud owner of Brian's car.

SPARKY: What? We didn't discuss a damn thing, what's the matter with you?

RK: Sparky, calm down, I was just...

SPARKY: No, I don't care what you were doing. You can't just misrepresent me and Buster like that. _Beat._ Are you high?

RK: No, but...

SPARKY: Then don't act like it. This child right here.

BUSTER: You know, I have a way we can settle this. A Triple Threat Match in Sparky's backyard for the car. Or maybe, maybe we can do like, a...a thing where we can kick each other's ass. Last guy standing gets the car.

WADE: You mean, a Last Man Standing match?

BUSTER: With three people? Pffft, you wish.

SPARKY: How about we flip a coin? Wait, there's three of us.

BUSTER: But it could still work. One of us gets a first-round bye, which we then determine by...you know what? I think my ideas are starting to run away from me.

RK: You guys are thinking too much with your brains. What we need is courage.

SPARKY: What are you talking about, Mr. High All the Time?

 _Beat._

RK: You're not funny. Look, I have an idea where we all have a list of girls we want to kiss. Whoever can get the most kisses from their list by the end of the week gets the car.

BUSTER: But what if my list has less girls than you guys?

RK: We use percentages. Whoever achieves the highest percentage of kisses walks away with the car.

WADE: Don't you think that's convoluted?

SPARKY: Yeah, and Halley would strangle me with an extension cord if she knew I was kissing other girls. And then Anna would beat you into the 2020s.

RK: We could make them sign a waiver. We're not held responsible for any feelings they catch from this endeavor.

BUSTER: How about we have an extreme eating contest? First person to chew through wood gets the car.

WADE: Okay, you guys are just throwing out ideas for the sake of it.

SPARKY: Yeah, this is going to be hard. Maybe we should sit on it for one more day.

RK: I agree.

 _Beat._

BUSTER: Wait, I got it! We draw straws for the first-round bye. Then...

SPARKY: BUSTER, WE'RE WAITING ANOTHER DAY!

SCENE 8

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is on her phone that night when Sarah walks downstairs._

SARAH: Hey Jaylynn, what are you up to?

JAYLYNN: Doing research on death.

SARAH: Okay, I really need to do something about this before you end up leaving a note.

JAYLYNN: Relax, it's nothing. I just want to know everything I can about death so I'll be ready for it when it happens.

SARAH: But you can't. Nobody knows when they're going to die.

JAYLYNN: See, that's what they call a para...para...

SARAH: A paradox. You're thinking of a paradox, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: A pair of docks? Sarah, what are you talking about?

SARAH: Alright, I can't take this. I didn't come here for my winter break just so you could have an existential crisis. I'm going to turn on the TV, and we're going to have fun. And you're going to forget all about death, okay?

JAYLYNN: You know, people die while watching TV, Sarah? I could have a heart attack right now and it will all be because I laughed too hard.

SARAH: Ugh, you're such a doofus sometimes.

 _Sarah turns on the TV and a commercial for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital starring Sofia Vergara is shown._

SOFIA VERGARA: When it comes to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, they're number one at making sure kids with cancer have a future.

KID: I have cancer.

SOFIA VERGARA: Yes, you do. And there's at least a 20% chance you might die, which was reduced thanks to St. Jude.

JAYLYNN: A twenty percent chance?!

SARAH: Maybe there's something else on.

 _Sarah changes the channel to an unidentified WWE show, where The Undertaker is giving a promo._

UNDERTAKER: At WrestleMania, his soul will be extinguished in the fiery pit of arrogance. He will suffer from a remorseless, tumultuous beating, and no amount of statistics or preparation will let him survive.

JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER: What?

JAYLYNN: Oh God.

SARAH: There's probably something else on.

 _Sarah changes the channel to a comedy routine._

COMEDIAN: Hey, what's up? What's going on, how about it? You know, you ever be thinking about some shit, and then you try turning on the TV and the TV shows you the exact same shit you were thinking about? Like, what the hell, man? _Laughter._ Makes you wanna blow your brains out, doesn't it?

 _*uproarious laughter*_

JAYLYNN: Alright, f*** this. _Jaylynn mutes the TV._ Was this your plan, Sarah? To show me that the TV is against me too? What are you, some kind of sicko?

SARAH: I just wanted you to stop thinking about death so much.

JAYLYNN: Well, your plan worked like a charm. Sarah, death is all around us. If we really weren't supposed to think about it, why does it happen?

SARAH: Because that's just how life is. Last summer, you know I was this close to getting killed when these chicks robbed me for my jacket?

JAYLYNN: Wait, seriously? How come you never told me?

SARAH: I was embarrassed. I almost lost my life just because I didn't want to give up my jacket. But you don't know when you're going to go, so you might as well make the most of it.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, man.

SARAH: I'm serious. You know what could help you with your problem?

JAYLYNN: A protest against Sylvia Plath books?

SARAH: No, man. You should write a list of all the stuff you want to do and actually try doing it. So when you die, no one can say you didn't live your life.

JAYLYNN: That's an awesomesauce idea.

SARAH: And you know what? I'm going to help you with it. I'm going to make sure you do everything on that list so we can start having fun.

JAYLYNN: Alright, Sarah. If this is what you think will help me, then I'm game.

SARAH: Cool. Now let's try some more TV.

 _Sarah turns the channel to another St. Jude commercial._

KID: Am I going to die?

SOFIA VERGARA: If you don't tell your parents to go to St. Jude, yes. Now smile for the camera, tu pequeño pinchazo.

 _Jaylynn screams in horror and runs up the stairs, confusing Sarah._

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The boys are discussing the situation with Brian's car by their lockers._

SPARKY: You know, I think what we should do with Brian's car is a trade-off.

BUSTER: A trade-off?

SPARKY: Yeah. I get the car one week, you get it the next, and RK gets it the week after.

RK: I want it the week of Independence Day.

BUSTER: Why do you get it that week? I want it that week!

RK: Well, you can't. I might have a party or something else to go to.

SPARKY: We can't just randomly decide who gets the car on what week. It's all based on the order.

RK: I think you're just saying that because you know you're getting the car that week.

SPARKY: I don't even know if I'm getting it that week!

WADE: You know, I don't want to be that guy, but since all of you have your own car, do you really need this one?

BUSTER: It's to remember Brian!

WADE: The way I see it, it's more for vanity than anything else.

SPARKY: Wade's right. We're losing sight of why we were given the car in the first place, and we haven't even driven it yet.

RK: You know, Wade, you're always seeing the big picture. You're so fair, so understanding, so...shredded. _RK starts to rub Wade's shoulders._ So what do you bench now, 380 or 520?

WADE: Dude, what in the hell are you trying to do with me?

RK: Look, you're the only one of us that didn't know Brian. You're a neutral party, which means no bias, which means you're the only person that should decide who gets the car.

WADE: Really? I don't know, I don't want to get involved.

SPARKY: It makes sense, Wade. We can't make a decision at all. If you do it, we'll know there was no mistake made.

WADE: Well, if you guys trust me this much, why not? But I need time to make my choice.

BUSTER: Of course, man, we understand. You need to think about it. _Buster begins rubbing Wade's shoulders._ So what do you bench now, 380 or 520?

RK: Are you kidding me?

WADE: Buster, I'm not going to be coerced into choosing you like this.

BUSTER: I understand, bro. I could bake you cookies, though. What's your poison? I could make chocolate chip, but you seem more like an oatmeal raisin man.

SCENE 10

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _At lunch, Jaylynn is hanging out with the Masters of the Universe._

JAYLYNN: Hey, I need a favor from you guys.

HALLEY: Sure, what about?

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm worried that one day, I'll die out of nowhere and I'll have nothing to show for it so I'm trying to make up for lost time. This is a list of all the things I wanna do one day.

 _Jaylynn passes the list over to Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania._

ASHLEY: Wow, you really have a lot of stuff to do.

JAYLYNN: I know. Sarah's helping me, but I just want you guys to give me your two cents. What's on here that I should leave behind?

GILCANIA: You should forget about kissing Anja, honey.

JAYLYNN: I hate you!

HALLEY: She's just being realistic, Jaylynn. Besides, I thought you were over Anja.

JAYLYNN: I am, but I just want to see if I could pull it off. Maybe I could say I have a terminal illness, and this is like my reward for being such a good friend.

ASHLEY: So you're just going to take advantage of your best friend for a kiss?

JAYLYNN: Okay, I can see that this isn't working out. I'll just talk to the guys about it.

 _Jaylynn takes her list and leaves the table._

HALLEY: I'm not the only one who saw that shit about burning Lynne to a crisp, am I?

ASHLEY: Nope.

GILCANIA: Jaylynn has so much fire in her blood, man.

SCENE 11

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sarah is taking a look at Jaylynn's list._

SARAH: Jaylynn, I'll do my best to help you, but I don't know about some of this stuff.

JAYLYNN: What do you mean?

SARAH: Well, you want to create a hologram of Kurt Cobain?

JAYLYNN: Hey, I'm not on a deadline or anything. But by the end of the year, it should be taken care of.

SARAH: And you want to travel every state in the country?

JAYLYNN: What's wrong with that? We can keep the southern states at the bottom, I don't really give a shit about them.

SARAH: And you want to learn how to ride a bike with no hands?

JAYLYNN: Ugh, those are the easy ones. I wonder how you're going to help me with the hard stuff.

SARAH: Well, why don't we start with this? "Drink ten glasses of water in one hour."

SCENE 12

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn moans in pain while holding a glass of water._

JAYLYNN: This is it. This is for all the marbles. I gotta want it. I gotta want it.

 _Jaylynn finishes the glass of water and then tosses it on the floor._

JAYLYNN: Yes. I did it. I'm the champion. I'm that girl.

SARAH: Jaylynn, that was only your fourth glass.

JAYLYNN: What? Are you crazy? Why did it feel like my tenth?

SARAH: You don't drink a lot of water, do you?

JAYLYNN: No, it makes me feel bloated.

SCENE 13

The Saleh Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn and Sarah walk up to the front door._

SARAH: Jaylynn, I don't know about this.

JAYLYNN: You don't have to refer to me by my name all the time, you know?

SARAH: How about I call you Mrs. Rainbow Poopyhead? Does that get you going?

JAYLYNN: You're dragging it now, I just think Jaylynn sounds...formal.

SARAH: Anyway, do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, you might end up getting slapped or punched or thrown out on the street.

JAYLYNN: What did I just say about you dragging it? And how do you think I feel? I'm rolling some serious dice here. But I just have to be honest. Maybe she'll say yes.

SARAH: Okay, well, if she's really going to take it to you, I have your back. I'll give her my old one-two combination.

JAYLYNN: Sarah, you don't have a one-two combination.

SARAH: Yeah, I do. Remember, it was the same one that dropped you on your ass a while back?

JAYLYNN: You want to go in or are you secretly challenging me?

SARAH: Why not do both?

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Open the door.

 _Sarah opens the door and Jaylynn walks in with Sarah following her. Anja is watching TV._

ANJA: Oh, what's up, guys?

JAYLYNN: Hey Anja. Listen, I have something a little weird to ask you and if it was any other time, I wouldn't, but this is just something I have to do for me.

ANJA: I don't know if I should be scared of you.

JAYLYNN: No, it's nothing. It's less than nothing. It's so small, nobody can even claim it exists. You know, that's an interesting thing. How small can something really be? Because, you know, potato chips are small but they...

ANJA: Could you get on with it before I'm dead?

JAYLYNN: I want to kiss you.

 _Beat._

ANJA: Yeah, that's not happening.

JAYLYNN: Look, Anja, if I explain why I want this, will that help?

ANJA: Maybe. But you really have to excite me.

JAYLYNN: Trust me, I'm excited enough for the both of us. Look, the other day, I went to a funeral for this kid that the guys knew, and it made me realize how much time we have left. I don't want to go through life thinking about what could have been, and for a long time, all I wanted was to be your girlfriend.

ANJA: Jaylynn...

JAYLYNN: I know, I know, it's never going to work out. I'm okay with that, man. But since I have a list of things I want to do, this would really mean a lot to me.

ANJA: I don't know, man.

JAYLYNN: Just one kiss, and we never have to talk about it at all.

ANJA: So you really want this?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Because I want this with my best friend who I love to pieces.

ANJA: Alright, I'll do it. But only because I love _you_ to pieces.

 _JAYLYNN'S BRAIN: Oh my God, this is happening? THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING?! WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR?! You're already wearing something, dumbass. Now stop having this conversation with yourself and say something before this gets weirder than it already is._

JAYLYNN: Could I freshen myself up a bit?

ANJA: It's your world.

 _Jaylynn turns away from Anja and giggles while taking out some lip balm._

SARAH: You're an amazing friend, Anja.

ANJA: Hey, two years ago, I would have said no. I'm evolving. I mean, you probably would do it too.

SARAH: No, it would be too gross for me. But we're not made the same way.

 _*deadpan*_ ANJA: Nice.

 _Jaylynn turns back to Anja and starts giggling again._

ANJA: Are you okay?

JAYLYNN: I am, it's just...my hands are sweating, man.

 _At that point, Lynne walks in._

LYNNE: Hey Anja, I need to talk about...

 _Lynne sees Jaylynn on the couch._

LYNNE: Ugh, you're here _again_? I'm not even surprised anymore. Go away, I have to talk to my sister about something.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, sure, I'll just move next to Sarah.

LYNNE: Oh, hey Sarah.

SARAH: Who are you?

ANJA: This is my little sister Lynne. You don't remember her?

LYNNE: Yeah, we've met before.

SARAH: I'll just take your word for it, I suck at remembering faces.

ANJA: So what do you have to talk about with me?

LYNNE: Well, you know my friend Jacey?

ANJA: The one with the braces?

LYNNE: Yeah, Bracey Jacey. So, anyway, she told me that Carmen didn't want me eating lunch with them anymore. But Carmen and I are really cool, so I'm wondering, what the hell is going on here? So I talked to Carmen about it, and then she's like, "I never said that." So now I'm wondering, what's going on with Jacey? We've never had this problem before. And so, we talk to Jacey and it turns out...

JAYLYNN: You know, if I died right now, it wouldn't be so bad.

SARAH: You wanna leave and come back later?

JAYLYNN: No. Once Lynne walks into a room, her essence stays there for the rest of the day.

 _Jaylynn and Sarah then walk out of the house while Lynne is telling her story to Anja. Neither of the Saleh sisters notice that Jaylynn and Sarah have left._

LYNNE: Why does Jacey have to say that? No one knows. But then...

SCENE 14

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade is watching TV when Sparky walks in._

SPARKY: Hey Wade, my man. What's going on?

WADE: Nothing much. Just relaxing with a little TV.

SPARKY: TV? Man, I love TV. Why don't we watch it together?

WADE: Dude, I haven't even thought about the car yet.

SPARKY: I get it. I get it completely. I'm just giving you something to think about.

WADE: Giving me what to think about? There's nothing to think about, I'm not making a decision right now.

SPARKY: Wade, in life, everybody has to make the right decision. Because when you don't decide with your brain, what kind of decision is that, really? It's a bad decision. Brian's car deserves appropriate decisions, Wade.

 _Beat._

WADE: You're not experimenting with anything, are you?

 _At that point, Buster walks in._

BUSTER: What's going on here? What kind of crap are you trying to pull, Sparky?

SPARKY: I'm not pulling any crap, man. Just hanging out with Wade. Kinda interesting how you showed up here. What for, I do not know.

BUSTER: I wanted to read Wade a very poetic poem that I wrote in his honor.

WADE: Dear Lord and Savior, please help me.

SPARKY: I don't think Wade wants to hear a poem, man. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would say that you're trying to influence Wade into picking you for the car.

BUSTER: Car? What car? I don't know anything about any car, you're playing, man. Anyway, Wade, here's the poem I wrote as a token of my gratitude for being your friend. "Wade is a very special person/With a very special brain/If he lets me have the car/I won't go insane." Give me the car, Wade.

SPARKY: Let me see that.

 _Sparky takes the poem and begins reading it._

SPARKY: Wait, you titled this poem "Give Me the Damn Car" and actually wrote "Give me the car, Wade" at the end of it? What happened to not knowing about it?

BUSTER: Oh no, you misinterpreted what I meant. You see, Wade owes me a different car...from that other time? You remember that time, Wade? The one time with the funny hats and the cream pies all over the floor?

WADE: I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

BUSTER: Crap, I forgot. I can't use mind games on a scientist. That's like trying to get monkeys to hold things.

 _RK then walks in._

RK: Look, Wade, I'm not going to beat around the bush like these two pansies. I want you to vote for me to get the car and I refuse to stop hounding you until I receive it. However, I don't want this to come between our friendship so here's a little incentive if I'm chosen.

 _RK gives Wade a clearly doctored photo of the two standing behind each other back to back, smiling at the camera and posing near the Eiffel Tower._

WADE: RK, you and me never went to Paris.

RK: Nothing a little Photoshop can't fix.

WADE: Okay, if this is how it's going to be until I make a decision, I'd rather not make it. So I'm leaving it up to all three of you.

BUSTER: What? But you can't do that! Then we'll be right back where we started!

WADE: Yes. Thank you for catching everybody up to speed. I'm going to go upstairs and Skype with Adriana. If you guys end up slaughtering each other, please don't involve me in it.

 _Wade sighs and mumbles to himself while walking upstairs._

SPARKY: Can you believe that guy? Always putting himself first.

RK: Yeah, he's like the Atlanta Falcons of the group when it comes to high-pressure situations.

BUSTER: Yeah, the nerve of that asshole walking around here with his amazing skin complexion.

 _Sparky and RK give Buster looks of disgust, and then leave without saying anything._

BUSTER: It's true though!

SCENE 15

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _A few nights later, Jaylynn and Sarah are watching TV._

JAYLYNN: Sarah, I think it's over for me. Pack the list in, I'm calling it quits.

SARAH: What? You're just gonna give up all because you didn't get to kiss Anja?

JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Oh, I thought...that was your motivation for stopping.

JAYLYNN: No, I'm just tired, girl. Let's face it, you're going to have to go back to Portland soon and the list will be something I say I'll do, then put off. I'm just one of those people meant to live a nothing life.

SARAH: You're not living a nothing life. I'm going to help you with at least one more thing on this list. And no, we're not teaming up to burn Lynne to a crisp.

JAYLYNN: That's more of a lifelong dream than anything else. What can you still help me with?

SARAH: Let me see here. Hmmm, this is cool. "Learn a brand new skateboarding trick." That sounds dope.

JAYLYNN: I was just putting it there for filler. I haven't picked up a skateboard in centuries.

SARAH: I know I sound like a broken record, but you've become so domesticated since you moved here. Look, when you were in Portland, you didn't care whether or not you could do this or that. You just went ahead and did it. That's what made you Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but those days are over. I can't just get that attitude back overnight.

SARAH: Maybe not, but skateboarding's still a part of you. You just have to relearn it. You know, like learning how to do math again or swimming.

JAYLYNN: But I hate math and I've never been into swimming.

SARAH: Are you going to step on my analogy or are you going to get on that f***ing skateboard?

SCENE 16

The Hernandez Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, Sarah watches Jaylynn ride her skateboard in the street, while not missing a single step._

SARAH: Damn, girl, what was that you were saying about not picking up a skateboard in centuries?

JAYLYNN: What can I say? I guess I never forgot it. But how am I supposed to learn a new trick before you have to leave?

SARAH: It can't be that hard. Let's just think about it.

 _Jaylynn and Sarah stand in place, thinking about what the new trick should be. At that point, Jaylynn begins rubbing her chin with her thumb and index finger._

SARAH: Wait, that's the idea gesture. You got an idea!

JAYLYNN: You know I do. What I'm thinking is that we go bigger with this whole thing. I've been panicking all week about death, but the only way I can feel better is if I confront death, and cheat death.

SARAH: Okay, I'm scared now.

JAYLYNN: No, this is a great idea. I just need to do something insane, something wicked. The most reckless skateboarding stunt this side of the Northwest.

SARAH: Are you kidding me? I'm not going to watch you break your neck or pull an eye socket or get your jaw wired shut.

JAYLYNN: Sarah, it's okay. None of that's gonna happen. I'm going to do the stunt, go down in history, and then I won't be afraid to die. My legacy will be set. I'll become a skateboarding legend.

SARAH: Yeah, right after you end up in the skateboarding obituary. Jaylynn, please think about it before you do something you're gonna regret.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: I thought about it for five seconds, I'm still doing it.

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky, Buster, and RK are staring at Brian's car keys on the coffee table._

SPARKY: Okay, this has gone on long enough. The sooner we settle this, the sooner we can all go back to our everyday lives.

RK: This stuff _is_ our everyday life!

SPARKY: No, it's not.

RK: You know damn well it is. We're not normal kids!

BUSTER: You know, maybe we were given Brian's car as some kind of lesson. Maybe this is like, God himself trying to teach us a thing or two about being selfish.

 _Beat._

RK: I don't know how I feel about you making this a religious thing.

 _Sarah walks in at that point._

SPARKY: Oh, hey Sarah. When did you get back into town?

SARAH: Almost a week ago. Thanks for coming over to see me, by the way.

BUSTER: But we're not your friend.

SPARKY: So what brings you over?

SARAH: It's Jaylynn! She's going to try and kill herself with some super crazy skateboarding stunt!

SPARKY: Wait, what?! We have to stop her! Where's she doing the stunt?

SARAH: I don't know. She hasn't done it yet.

SPARKY: Um, okay, so _when_ is she doing the stunt?

SARAH: I have no idea.

SPARKY: Do you know the stunt she's even doing?

SARAH: I can't help you out with that either.

RK: What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you make up a sick story about your friend like that?

SARAH: I'm not making it up, this is really happening!

BUSTER: Jaylynn probably put her up to this. She knew we were fighting for the car so she made Sarah tell us a fake story that would make us so moved, we would give up the car to her.

SARAH: HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?!

BUSTER: You tell me, you dirty liar.

RK: Yeah, you're not fooling anyone. Get out of here with your pack of lies.

BUSTER: Yeah. You and your lying six-pack good for sharing with friends.

SARAH: Okay, I realize now how much I dropped the ball on this, but I'll get all the real proof I need. And if you still don't believe me, it will be your fault when Jaylynn ends up on a T-shirt.

 _Sarah walks out of the house and slams the door._

SPARKY: You know, I like conspiracy theories as much as the next guy, but do you guys really think Sarah would lie about that?

BUSTER: Of course. Sarah's a few slices short of a pizza if you catch my drift.

RK: Yeah, didn't _she_ try putting Jaylynn on a T-shirt months ago? And then knock Halley unconscious with a baseball?

SPARKY: Sarah's never met Halley.

RK: Oh, I just wanted to give Halley a shout out. Good kid, haven't seen her in a while.

SCENE 18

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _On the day of the stunt, Jaylynn is putting on her elbow pads and knee pads. She then inexplicably pulls out a bottle of baby powder and shakes it a few times on her hands, then rubs it on her face. Sarah then runs downstairs._

SARAH: Oh, thank God. You haven't left yet.

JAYLYNN: Of course not. You have to come with me. I need at least one friend who likes skateboarding to see this.

SARAH: Jaylynn, you can't go through with this. I'm completely against it. It's sick, it's demented, it's perverted, and you're going to make a lot of people very angry with the thing that you plan on doing.

JAYLYNN: Dude, I never told you what the stunt's gonna be.

SARAH: Which is how I know it's awful. You can't even look me in the eyes like a woman and tell me the truth.

JAYLYNN: Because I wanted it to be a surprise, you jackass. But since you won't stop bothering me, picture this: A 45-foot ramp where you can't see anything but tiny blobs on the ground and the clear, beautiful Seattle sky. I then ride down the ramp, and with all that energy and momentum, I propel into the sky, and then just barely flip over a large ring of fire before I land safely on my skateboard below. I'm unharmed, the crowd goes nuts, and my legacy is set.

SARAH: Wow. I've never heard such an elaborate setup for suicide before.

JAYLYNN: Sarah, I'll be fine.

SARAH: No, you sound like someone from an insane asylum. Jaylynn, you're not even in the fifth grade yet. You have your whole life to act like a reckless idiot. Don't throw everything away just because you're afraid you'll end up like some kid.

JAYLYNN: It's not just about the kid. There was a time where I was seconds away from killing myself because I hated myself. I never want to feel like that again. I want to do everything I dreamed of before it's too late. Yeah, I might get hurt, but it's better than having everything end tomorrow because I got hit by a milk truck.

SARAH: So you're really serious about this?

JAYLYNN: Yes. And I need you with me to cheer me on.

SARAH: Alright, Jaylynn. You gotta do what you gotta do. But could I hit the bathroom before we go?

JAYLYNN: Sure. Just make it quick, I don't want to waste all my baby powder.

SARAH: Baby pow...

JAYLYNN: Don't ask.

SCENE 19

McDaniels Vacant Lot

Seattle, Washington

 _There is a large number of people in attendance for Jaylynn's stunt as some of the handlers are setting up the ring of fire. The girls arrive in Jaylynn's car and the crowd cheers as Jaylynn waves to them. She then walks towards the ramp with Sarah._

JAYLYNN: Wow, this thing is enormous.

SARAH: How would you not know that?

JAYLYNN: I only did like, one walkthrough. It didn't seem that big the first time.

SARAH: I still can't believe you're doing this.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm not going to wait until it's too late to see if I can pull this off. But if my arm gets broken, you'll be the first to sign the cast.

SARAH: Wow, it's like everything I've ever worked so hard for has come down to this moment.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the daredevil of Seattle, the girl with the tenacity of a thousand women, and the hottest young skateboarder on the local scene...JAYLYNN SKYLAR HERNANDEZ!

 _Jaylynn waves to the crowd some more and starts posing._

SARAH: Wait, none of that's true! Who wrote that shit for her?!

JAYLYNN: Alright, Sarah. Get ready to watch me cheat death.

 _Jaylynn begins climbing up the ladder leading to the ramp, with her skateboard waiting for her on top. She then looks up and sees the ramp's enormous height. At that point, she starts fantasizing about the stunt set to a dramatic score. She rides off the ramp and into the sky, but the skateboard goes through the ring of fire instead of landing directly on the ground over the ring. Jaylynn ends up crashing off-screen, and presumably dies as she is covered by a white sheet and taken away by hospital EMTs. She then imagines performing the stunt successfully, but while riding on the skateboard, she is unable to stop and ends up skateboarding past the lot, and over a large hill where she falls into the water and presumably drowns, then the spot where she fell inexplicably goes up in flames. The scene dissolves back into real time._

JAYLYNN: Oh my God. What the hell am I doing?!

 _At that point, the rest of TSE arrives in Sparky's car. Jaylynn notices the car and her eyes widen._

SPARKY: JAYLYNN!

JAYLYNN: You called them?! Wait, of course, you called them.

SARAH: You didn't leave me a choice. Your actions were irresponsible.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Were you replaced with a robot Sarah?

 _The guys walk up to the ramp._

SPARKY: Jaylynn, what in God's name is this monstrosity? Are you trying to die?

JAYLYNN: No, Sparky, you don't understand. See, I decided...

RK: Like hell you decided things. You're coming home right now. I mean, are you screwed up? You screwed up in the head, girl?

JAYLYNN: You guys, I'm not going through with...

BUSTER: How dare you keep this from us? Having us worried sick, trying to break your neck and have your nose bones get twisted up inside your brain.

WADE: Come here.

 _Wade pulls Jaylynn's ear and leads her into the car, with Sarah leading the way._

JAYLYNN: Okay, guys, I appreciate the concern, but my street cred is taking a serious hit right now.

SPARKY: Good.

RK: Oh, you're gonna get it, Jaylynn. You're gonna get it when I whip out the belt tonight.

 _The kids then drive away, abruptly leaving the scene. Cut to two random men in attendance._

RANDOM MAN: I can't believe they ripped us off for twenty bucks.

RANDOM MAN #2: Wait. You only got ripped off for _twenty_ bucks?!

SCENE 20

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all on the couch together alongside Sarah. Jaylynn looks depressed as she rests her hands on her chin with her head down._

SPARKY: Jaylynn, what were you thinking when you made up that psycho stunt?

JAYLYNN: I was thinking that I wanted to create a legacy?

RK: A legacy of dying early due to unbelievable stupidity?

JAYLYNN: Hey, cut me a break. It's better to die that way than to die in a hit-and-run.

WADE: What are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: Look, Brian's funeral had me shook of the same thing happening to me. I didn't want to die with nothing to show for it. So Sarah helped me out with a list of things I always wanted to do so when I did die, I wouldn't end up like a loser.

SARAH: Just to be clear, I had no involvement in the skateboard thing.

JAYLYNN: You think you're impressing them but you're not.

SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, no one knows when they're going to die. What happened to Brian was horrible, but that doesn't mean you're next in line. It just means you should live your life and not take things for granted.

JAYLYNN: But that's the thing, no one knows. This could all be over tomorrow. A sniper rifle could bust a whole bunch of shots through the roof and put us all in caskets.

BUSTER: She has a point though.

SPARKY: Dude, you can't spend the rest of your life living in fear or having reckless adventures because you're afraid of what might happen. Whenever you die, you die, but until then, just enjoy your life as much as you can.

RK: Yeah, instead of thinking about all the great stuff you want to do, don't think about it. Life's a bitch, that's never gonna change.

WADE: But trying to put your life on the line isn't the way to go.

JAYLYNN: You know what? You guys are right. I can't obsess over death all the time. I just have to make the most of my life.

SARAH: Hey, wait a minute. When I said all this, you ignored it. But when they say all this, everything magically makes sense to you?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. I think it's your tone.

SARAH: My tone?! My t...you know what? It's not even worth it. I give up.

BUSTER: Guys, I think I know who should get Brian's car.

RK: Me?

 _Buster gives RK an annoyed look._

RK: I know who you meant.

SPARKY: I think you're right, Buster. Here you go, Jaylynn.

 _Sparky gives Jaylynn the keys to Brian's car._

JAYLYNN: What's this?

SPARKY: Brian's car was given to us by his dad, but we couldn't decide who gets it. Honestly, I think you deserve it more than we do.

JAYLYNN: Really? I don't know what to say, thanks guys. _*turns to Sarah*_ Maybe this can be our car.

SARAH: Look, I love you, but not like that.

JAYLYNN: No, I mean, we could share this car. You tried to help me out when I needed you, and you looked out for me when you knew I was being an idiot. This is just as much your car as it is mine.

SARAH: Wow. I'm gonna owe you for this, man.

JAYLYNN: Eh, don't worry about it. Just take me back to the vacant lot because I left my board there and if I don't get it back, I'm pretty sure it's getting incinerated.

SARAH: Sure. Let's go.

 _Jaylynn and Sarah walk out of the house._

RK: Wait, they don't even know where the car is. _Beat._ Are they coming back?

 _Cut to black._

 _("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)_

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. J, My Name is Jaylynn Backstage Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES _(written 2/22/18)_

-This episode is a combination of three different ideas: One that had to do with a character's fear of death, a funeral for an old friend, and another one involving characters fixing up a car.

-When I was putting together the first half of season six, I had plans to do an episode last November called "The Death of Ryan Kennedy Jennings," which would have dealt with RK developing a fear of death after he takes an online quiz predicting his demise in the next few years. I only wrote the opening scene and I got bored with it easily, so I just moved on. Months later, I decided to give the episode another chance, but with Jaylynn in RK's role instead. I also decided to change the motivation for the thanatophobia, with Jaylynn being triggered by the events of the funeral.

-There was another idea I had for an episode where a former friend of Sparky, Buster, and RK dies, and all three are invited to the funeral. RK initially wants nothing to do with the funeral and constantly expresses his disdain for his friend, but then later breaks down and says that he didn't want to go because everybody always compared him to the dead friend, and it would be like seeing himself in the casket.

-The third idea was actually an unrelated subplot that I was just looking to use for a future episode. In it, Sparky, RK, and Wade find an old car that the owner is looking to sell. The boys decide to fix up the car themselves and resell it, but then they clash over who keeps the money. All I did was replace Wade with Buster.

-Adding Sarah to the episode was more of a last-minute decision. I like her to appear at least once a season and I realized after her last episode ("Going Back to Portland"), she was great at playing off of Jaylynn.

-The episode title is a reference to the _Family Ties_ episode "'A,' My Name is Alex." I had only heard of the _Family Ties_ episode (and still haven't seen it), so when I came up with the title, I didn't know the plots were so similar until I looked it up before I started writing. The title only made more sense after that.

-The argument in the opening scene was just something I came up with in my head one day and thought was funny, so I put the whole argument in the script and then shortened it during the rewrite.

-Jaylynn makes a reference to rapper Kendrick Lamar losing Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards for the third time in his career, this time to _24K Magic_ by Bruno Mars.

-Jaylynn makes a reference to author Sylvia Plath, who died at the age of thirty from carbon monoxide poisoning after sticking her head in her oven.

-"Tu pequeño pinchazo" means "you little prick" in Spanish.

-Sarah makes a reference to the episode "The Karma Machine" _(#TYH315)_ where she came from Portland to assault Jaylynn as revenge for bullying her in the past. RK references the episode later.

-I was having trouble thinking of where to go with the story after Jaylynn develops a fear of death, and I knew I didn't want to do an emotional scene where she decides not to go through with the stunt so I made it a joke scene where she comes to her senses on her own, but still gets in trouble with the boys.

-I was going to write an additional scene after the boys talk to Jaylynn where she gets the car, but I thought it was unnecessary so I put it all in one scene and tried to end on the best joke I could come up with.


End file.
